The Frustration Inside

It's back again.
The self hatred, I guess.
I just get so sick and tired of my life.
I don't like what my life entitles, I guess.
I don't even really know what I think or feel.

I just wanna use because I don't have to feel.
I don't want to use because I want to quit, break free from this, live again.
I just can't.

See, I married my drug dealer. Not that he deals drugs anymore, but he smokes and so well, I have a hard time quitting when it's just there.

Not that he wouldn't support me, it's just I always have gone back to it, it seems useless to quit, again.

Seems useless to do dishes, again.
Useless to garden, since I'm clueless and broke.
Useless to pick up since it'll get messy, again.
Usless to orgainze, I have no space to do so.

Boy this is pretty sad.
Pretty negative.
I've gotta shake this slump.
I've gotts look up, be positive, see what worth doing.

I'vve gotta get off my butt and do somehting.
Get real,
quit smoking and sliding deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.

Something's gotta change.

Having a Good Day... and this worries me

So it' s been over a week and my cleaning up process is failing.
Like I've said in the past it's hard to quit something that affects mostly your insides.

See...
I'm a 9 year homeschooling mother of two.
I help my husband in our new business.
I lead a women's Bible study at my church every Monday night.
I have sober friends.
I take an active role in my children's lives, they are 2 of my best friends.
I am a youth worker with the middle schoolers at my church.
I like to smoke pot and get high every day.

Inside it's killing me and here's why.

I started smoking at age 13 just because. I actually helped a kid pass 7th grade math and he thanked me by giving me 2 joints- drug dealers, cunning aren't they. I like the THC high and basically have smoked ever since.
First recreationally,
then I went to it to pick me up,
to help me eat,
to help me sleep,
to relax me,
to have a great sex time,
to relieve stress.

Well now the very reason I picked up a bowl, or a bong or a joint is the very thing weed produces in me. Use to smoke to get me out of a depressed mood, now it puts me in one. Use to smoke to eat, now I eat too much. Smoke to sleep, I often wake up with anxiety and can't sleep.

I'm not quiet about my problem, but I'm not real honest about it either.
A lie is best hidden between 2 truths.

Since I quit last year for 8 months, I was free to talk about the "old" drug problem I use to have, now... well some know I still smoke but many don't. Some think I struggle with the temptation, others know it's knocking down my door.

So as I sit here, alone on Mother's Day, my family went to church without me- on good terms. I wonder what my day will hold. I always want to quit tomorrow, it'll be easier then, because well, tomorrow never comes.

I read about others meth addictions or think of my sister-in-laws crack addiction and I think, this is easy- it pot, it's not a hard drug, I can kick this.

Then, well it calls me, like the black Spidey suit in Spiderman 3. The smell, the high, the experience calls my name like something I think only addicts can hear. The questions is will I listen or will I chose to say no.

If Nancy Reagan only knew how easy her slogan is to say and how hard it is to obey.

Just say no!

PS, I did not smoke while pregnant or nursing

No Really Trying

So I didn't do it. I've smoked everyday since the last post.

What drives me nuts is the functioning I can do while high.

What also bother me is the craving, one should not crave for anything but the Lord.

And these are strong cravings ya'll.
Pray for me.

Really this blog is going to be my recovery blog.

I'm a pot head.

I have another blog but just can't seem to blog about drug abuse in the same blog as my children's extra curricular activities. perhaps the two worlds should come together, but for now, I can't.

I've been clean for 14 hours.

I quit smoking 3 weeks ago for about 2 weeks and then, well and then I smoked.

I have heard it said often that weed is not addictive. Those who say that have never had a weed addiction.

I'm leaning on some biblical truths, knowing that it is only through the Holy Spirit that I can overcome this. I can walk in the freedom and sobriety that God intended for me to walk in.

So as I take these first steps out of my pit of addiction I have this blog to help me along. I'm not a writer but I do like to journal.

Many days I just can't seem to shake the feelings of doom that haunt me. Feelings of worthlessness and uselessness. Thoughts that life will always be a struggle, so why try. That God never really liked me anyway. That's probably the biggest lie I've believed the longest- that God doesn't really like me. Probably pretty typical of an addict; poor self-esteem, lack of a positive view of ones self. I mean why else would one chose to leave reality and enter a state of a drug induced high.

I've gotta believe God.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himsef for me."
Galatians 2:20

I am worth something, I can be used for something. God loved me enough to die for me, to give Himself up for me. It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me. It is through Him living in me that I will beat this.

My mind wanders to tonight and is already debating the "should I smoke" question.

Father God, I am taking these thoughts captive, I am surrendering them to You. May Your will be done in my life, may I draw from Your Living Water to satisfy my desires with the good things you speak of. Renew my youth O God! Satisfy my desires with good things and with more of You! Yes Lord, more of You and less of me.

-me