It's back again.
The self hatred, I guess.
I just get so sick and tired of my life.
I don't like what my life entitles, I guess.
I don't even really know what I think or feel.
I just wanna use because I don't have to feel.
I don't want to use because I want to quit, break free from this, live again.
I just can't.
See, I married my drug dealer. Not that he deals drugs anymore, but he smokes and so well, I have a hard time quitting when it's just there.
Not that he wouldn't support me, it's just I always have gone back to it, it seems useless to quit, again.
Seems useless to do dishes, again.
Useless to garden, since I'm clueless and broke.
Useless to pick up since it'll get messy, again.
Usless to orgainze, I have no space to do so.
Boy this is pretty sad.
Pretty negative.
I've gotta shake this slump.
I've gotts look up, be positive, see what worth doing.
I'vve gotta get off my butt and do somehting.
Get real,
quit smoking and sliding deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.
Something's gotta change.
Showing posts with label The Struggle Continues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Struggle Continues. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Having a Good Day... and this worries me
So it' s been over a week and my cleaning up process is failing.
Like I've said in the past it's hard to quit something that affects mostly your insides.
See...
I'm a 9 year homeschooling mother of two.
I help my husband in our new business.
I lead a women's Bible study at my church every Monday night.
I have sober friends.
I take an active role in my children's lives, they are 2 of my best friends.
I am a youth worker with the middle schoolers at my church.
I like to smoke pot and get high every day.
Inside it's killing me and here's why.
I started smoking at age 13 just because. I actually helped a kid pass 7th grade math and he thanked me by giving me 2 joints- drug dealers, cunning aren't they. I like the THC high and basically have smoked ever since.
First recreationally,
then I went to it to pick me up,
to help me eat,
to help me sleep,
to relax me,
to have a great sex time,
to relieve stress.
Well now the very reason I picked up a bowl, or a bong or a joint is the very thing weed produces in me. Use to smoke to get me out of a depressed mood, now it puts me in one. Use to smoke to eat, now I eat too much. Smoke to sleep, I often wake up with anxiety and can't sleep.
I'm not quiet about my problem, but I'm not real honest about it either.
A lie is best hidden between 2 truths.
Since I quit last year for 8 months, I was free to talk about the "old" drug problem I use to have, now... well some know I still smoke but many don't. Some think I struggle with the temptation, others know it's knocking down my door.
So as I sit here, alone on Mother's Day, my family went to church without me- on good terms. I wonder what my day will hold. I always want to quit tomorrow, it'll be easier then, because well, tomorrow never comes.
I read about others meth addictions or think of my sister-in-laws crack addiction and I think, this is easy- it pot, it's not a hard drug, I can kick this.
Then, well it calls me, like the black Spidey suit in Spiderman 3. The smell, the high, the experience calls my name like something I think only addicts can hear. The questions is will I listen or will I chose to say no.
If Nancy Reagan only knew how easy her slogan is to say and how hard it is to obey.
Just say no!
PS, I did not smoke while pregnant or nursing
Like I've said in the past it's hard to quit something that affects mostly your insides.
See...
I'm a 9 year homeschooling mother of two.
I help my husband in our new business.
I lead a women's Bible study at my church every Monday night.
I have sober friends.
I take an active role in my children's lives, they are 2 of my best friends.
I am a youth worker with the middle schoolers at my church.
I like to smoke pot and get high every day.
Inside it's killing me and here's why.
I started smoking at age 13 just because. I actually helped a kid pass 7th grade math and he thanked me by giving me 2 joints- drug dealers, cunning aren't they. I like the THC high and basically have smoked ever since.
First recreationally,
then I went to it to pick me up,
to help me eat,
to help me sleep,
to relax me,
to have a great sex time,
to relieve stress.
Well now the very reason I picked up a bowl, or a bong or a joint is the very thing weed produces in me. Use to smoke to get me out of a depressed mood, now it puts me in one. Use to smoke to eat, now I eat too much. Smoke to sleep, I often wake up with anxiety and can't sleep.
I'm not quiet about my problem, but I'm not real honest about it either.
A lie is best hidden between 2 truths.
Since I quit last year for 8 months, I was free to talk about the "old" drug problem I use to have, now... well some know I still smoke but many don't. Some think I struggle with the temptation, others know it's knocking down my door.
So as I sit here, alone on Mother's Day, my family went to church without me- on good terms. I wonder what my day will hold. I always want to quit tomorrow, it'll be easier then, because well, tomorrow never comes.
I read about others meth addictions or think of my sister-in-laws crack addiction and I think, this is easy- it pot, it's not a hard drug, I can kick this.
Then, well it calls me, like the black Spidey suit in Spiderman 3. The smell, the high, the experience calls my name like something I think only addicts can hear. The questions is will I listen or will I chose to say no.
If Nancy Reagan only knew how easy her slogan is to say and how hard it is to obey.
Just say no!
PS, I did not smoke while pregnant or nursing
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