Having a Good Day... and this worries me

So it' s been over a week and my cleaning up process is failing.
Like I've said in the past it's hard to quit something that affects mostly your insides.

See...
I'm a 9 year homeschooling mother of two.
I help my husband in our new business.
I lead a women's Bible study at my church every Monday night.
I have sober friends.
I take an active role in my children's lives, they are 2 of my best friends.
I am a youth worker with the middle schoolers at my church.
I like to smoke pot and get high every day.

Inside it's killing me and here's why.

I started smoking at age 13 just because. I actually helped a kid pass 7th grade math and he thanked me by giving me 2 joints- drug dealers, cunning aren't they. I like the THC high and basically have smoked ever since.
First recreationally,
then I went to it to pick me up,
to help me eat,
to help me sleep,
to relax me,
to have a great sex time,
to relieve stress.

Well now the very reason I picked up a bowl, or a bong or a joint is the very thing weed produces in me. Use to smoke to get me out of a depressed mood, now it puts me in one. Use to smoke to eat, now I eat too much. Smoke to sleep, I often wake up with anxiety and can't sleep.

I'm not quiet about my problem, but I'm not real honest about it either.
A lie is best hidden between 2 truths.

Since I quit last year for 8 months, I was free to talk about the "old" drug problem I use to have, now... well some know I still smoke but many don't. Some think I struggle with the temptation, others know it's knocking down my door.

So as I sit here, alone on Mother's Day, my family went to church without me- on good terms. I wonder what my day will hold. I always want to quit tomorrow, it'll be easier then, because well, tomorrow never comes.

I read about others meth addictions or think of my sister-in-laws crack addiction and I think, this is easy- it pot, it's not a hard drug, I can kick this.

Then, well it calls me, like the black Spidey suit in Spiderman 3. The smell, the high, the experience calls my name like something I think only addicts can hear. The questions is will I listen or will I chose to say no.

If Nancy Reagan only knew how easy her slogan is to say and how hard it is to obey.

Just say no!

PS, I did not smoke while pregnant or nursing